The Reason
Have
you ever falling in love just on your side? Yes, It was very hurt right? And I
couldn’t imagine how I could be like this for a long time. Saved this feeling
lonely and secretly. It made some pain and absolutely made me very-really-extra
crazy! Grrr!
Well,
It was no problem if I admired a cover boy from famous magazine, a handsome
actor who belief himself to be next awarded people or someone who got tons of
medals. I would really appreciate my feeling. But in the truth, I just felt
this feeling with the person who just cared about his thousands manga and
comics. And liked playing around without thinking. And acted like a mooley. Shortly,
I could guess the person I like was an anime freak with foolish face, and
always got four in his math and science test.
Only
one that I could thank from him, he had same name with my favorite singer, Nick
Jonas. Yeah, although only his first name. Whatever! Didn’t compare both of
them. Because Nick who become my friend was a cricket’s voice beside a pigeon’s
song.
Everytime,
my nizzle, Dira, always told me that Jenifer Lawrence’s face like me could
catch every single boy that I want. From high level like Greyson Change
(absolutely, she just made some hyperbole sense) or Luke Pasquilano (Okay, I
should admit her knowledge about many popular actor in Europe).
“
…or for simple one. Dilon, the basketball leader. I suppose he is free at that
time. Or Ryan…you know, the member of Science Olympiad. C’mon girl! Don’t waste
your fabulous face and your clear brain!” She started provocating me.
I
was still busy turning my magazine from page to page. Just noded to make she sure that I heard her completely.
Oh please…she had told me many until my ears blooding.
“So…tell
me! Why you still keep your feeling toward him?”
I
tried inhale more into my constricted lungs. Actually, I didn’t know how to
answer the question. The reason why I did that thing because I just felt
comfort when I was by his side. When we were talking or chatting via phone. I
loved his jokes, his pity face when faced Mr Ghulom, our Math teacher or showed
off his ability in speech. And the most
important one, he was a person who could
make me laugh freely with his funny act and forgot every problems that coming
in my life. Was the reason enough?
“Don’t
you wanna to move on? C’mon…how about take apart in blind date?” She offered
her big smile.
I
hit her shoulder directly. “Crazy!” I laughed. “ And don’t forget, Dira…love
can’t be forced.”
Suddenly,
the boy who became our usual topic
appear and showed off his unironed face.
“Resty, help me please.”
“Why?”
I started busy controlling my heart.
“I
forget joining my remidial math test this afternoon. You know I got five in my
last test. You have to help me Resty! Please!” He begged then blinked his eyes.
I
laughed. “Ok!Ok! You win! So what’s the matter?”
He
was smiled. Kicking Dira from his bench
then sat beside me. I watched over him while he told his problem. I licked my saliva and tried controlling my
heart beat and my unusual temperature. Oh please…not at that time. Stay
normally, please.
“Resty,
You know…I’m better spend my night to finish my comics than do whole number in this damn books!”
Backed
to real one. Well, Resty, how pity you’re! You loved a kind person like that.
He never cared the girl who sat beside him was ex-cover girl a year before and
absolutely fifth rank in this class.
And…he still talked about his manga. And
the most important that he didn’t look at you when was talking. Ghost!!!
***
To:
Nick
Nick, could you help me join the
social even next week?
I
was typical person who would search some activity when I was free. Like that…I
searched some topic to gain a chance chatting with him. I sent him some same
message but two hours later I got no repayment from him. Damn! I turned my MP4
volume, so I could completely heard Taylor voice from it. I thought “Teardrops
on My Guitar” really represent my feeling.
So…after
he didn’t take care anymore to me in school for unknown reason, he also didn’t
have any desire to replied my message? Was I so bothering for him?
Not
only this day, he seemed avoid me as far as he could. And based my memory, He
never called me again to solve his problems in math or asked something after his last remedial
test. I didn’t know why he should act like this. Actually he had no reason to
hate me or had some grudge. So why and why?
I
hugged my bunny. Then imagined the little doll was him.
“Agh!!!
Why I should love you! A little jerk like you! Go to hell!” I threw my doll
without thinking after hit it. And at
that time my Mom knocked my door.
“Honey,
what’s happen?”
“Nothing,
Mom. Just try to burn my heart on hell!” I said with cold and high tone. Sorry,
Mom…I didn’t mean to hurt you. Please forgave me.
“Really?
Dinner is ready, honey. Move down.”
“Yeah,
Mom. Thanks. I just want be alone right now.” I put my doll then hit it again dan
again. “You really a jerk!!!”
Agh…
I knew well, that was my fault because I never told him about my feeling. But
if all of you in my position, he was looked so stupid, wasn’t he? Why he never
realized my attitude when look at him or
offered him my smile. Couldn’t he see my feeling trough it? Couldn’t he see my cheeks blushing when I talked with him? Hiks…hiks…
He’s
the reason for teardrops on my guitar
The
only thing that keeps me wishing on a wishing star
He’s
the song in a car I keep singing
Don’t
know why… I do….
I
let the song sung. Repeated it for many.
I closed my head with bed cover. Hiding my eyes which started blurring.
***
“So…Am
I looked so depressed?” I swallowed again my bakso for the third times. It was my
characteristic when I suffered on big distress.
“Very
terrible.” Dira answered. “Like a person who never got sleep in a week.”
I
thought I would start crying. There wasn’t any other reason except the boy
named Nick. Hiks! Hiks! How could be? How could be he done like this to me? He
wasn’t only avoiding me but also tried to make me jealous( I could suppose like
this because I really felt like this now) . I didn’t know why he so close with my other classmates (absolutely the other girls in my class).
Played some joke with them and made some fun thing that he done with me before.
And he would leave in hurry if I
approached him. It was so spiteful! Aghh!
“Shortly…you
jealous, right?”
“Yes!
Yes! YES! Absolutely! But you know … I
have not entitled to feel jealous with jerk like him. Because I’m not his
girlfriend and he isn’t my boyfriend. And now there’ s no friendship among us. ANYMORE! ” I
really screamed. Tried to controlled myself
from jolting in front of the visitors in this canteen.
Dira
speechless. Just sat looking dumbfounded. “Hey, be calm, please!”
“Okay,
I’ll be calm. I feel really useless, you know. I spent whole of time to manage
my heart belong him. Love a jerk, a dumb and a foolish person like him. And I
got nothing…”
I
threw my ass to the chair. I forgot that the chair in this canteen not kind of
sofa. I kept to inhale normally. I remembered an accident some previous day.
When Dira and me walked and passed along opposite way with Nick. I tried to
call him like usual. But he turned his head and pretended that I was invisible
thing.
Aghhh!!!
He was so bright to break my heart.
“The
problem solving from yours is very simple. Just shoot him, and everything gonna
be clear,” Dira drink his juice slowly.
“I’m
woman, Dira. And my dignity never permit me do it.”
Dira
didn’t answer. She just carried her right elbow.
“Resty,
my honey! Look around please! There’re many charming boys in this beautiful
world. Don’t be stress just because of one. Move on! Move one. I think Ryan is
better than him. As smart as you. More handsome than Nick. And I think he loves you too.” Dira looked serious.
Yeah,
maybe I should move on. But.. “Love can not be forced, Dira. Remember?” I spoke
with high volume and rather made Dira got some heart attack.
“Ok.
Love can’t be forced. But you can force to him too.”
I
hag myself. Tried blending Dira’s words. “Dira, could you help me please?”
“Anything.”
“Tell
Mr Ghulthom that I’m on medical room.”
“Hey…!”
I
didn’t care if Dira grumbled or not. I just want to calm myself in other place
where I couldn’t find that jerk.
***
Library.
Early, I thought this place was the most peace place on my school. So I decided
spending my math time in there. Not for studied or read something. Just for
slept and made me more…and more calm. But when
I heard a familiar voice, my heart was burnt again.
“So…you
hate her?”
That
was Ari’s voice. My classmate and Nick’s tablemate.
“Absolutely
not. How can I hate her? She is a kindhearted girl that I ever know.”
Ugh!
And that the jerk’s voice. Nick. So both of them (and me) ran from Mr. Ghulom
lesson. So interesting.
I
focused my pupil. Tried to hide as well as possible and cheated what became their’s topic.
“So,
why you so cold to her? I thougt both of you is fighting,” Ari chocked.
“What?
Resty and me?! That’s impossible.”
I
was really shock when Nick called my name. Okay, well …tell me what the hell
was going on?
“I
just… Resty….,” Nick mumbled. He turned his head to other point. Hiding his
expression.
Ari
hit his shoulders slowly. “Okay, I understand. You know… there are 3 reason why
people keep their distance from other. First, he hate her so much. Second, You
want to move on to others, and the last…you afraid of falling completely with
her.”
“…”
Silence.
I couldn’t hear any voice except my breath and my heart beat.
“You
said you didn’t hate her anymore. So don’t chose the first reason,” Ari
continued. “…I guess, you don’t have….”
“The
third…,” Nick cut Ari’s words.
“Heh?!”
WHAT?!
He… I was going to die at that time.
“The
third. You know, I really afraid to completely
falling to her. She like a queen and I just a slave. How can I be dare
to love the kind person like her? I just know how to read comics but she knows
everything. I can’t hurt her with my
impossible feeling.”
“But,
I think she was so care to you. I just…”
“She
care to everyone that she knows. Not only me” Nick smiled.
“Then,
you avoid her to hide your real feeling?” Ari asked. Nick noded.
I
gripped my skirt. Made sure myself that I wasn’t in my halusination or
delusion. That the words was true. Nick…so…he was.
“You
can act like usual to her. Absolutely both of you is friend, isn’t it? Like you
and me. Stop fighting.”
Nick
laughed. “I’ve said before. I ‘m not fighting anymore. I can’t. My fear is when
I so close to her I can’t control myself to tell her about my feeling. And make
her mad because of it. And the end, she
will hate me, won’t she? There’s nothing can be my pride. ”
I
tried to stop my tear that flow down slowly. Okay, Nick! It was enough.
***
Next
day, I met him when I walked out from toilet. Like a day before, he just turned
his head and pretended
saw nothing in front of him. Then walked
in hurry, left me behind. Was I looked like a vampire? Or something that made
him so scary?
I
breathe deeply. Okay! One of us should start the scene. Or we never made a chance in our young life. I run after
him and caught his arm. “Nick, I need talk to you. Something that should be
share together.”
I
looked at his eyes deeply. Tried to dive in his heart. “It’s so hard, isn’t it?
Save secretly and lonely.” I continued.
“Eh?
What do you mean?”
I
smiled. Now, I’m only me when I’m with
You from Taylor Swift was heard in my ears. Sung happily.
***
Karanganyar, 29
June 2012
Thanks to K
1412’s status
Inspirable
